Iβm dead πππππ
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*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
1996: My loneliness is killinβ me
2020: Thatβs cute.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): Iβm tryingβ¦
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: β¦ and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: youβre not gonna believe this
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you knowβ¦the boxers match.
*winks*
Batman: Iβm the worldβs greatest detective, youβll never stump me
Riddler: whatβs your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded βwe will probably go on a walk after dinner.β
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Capt of Titanic: βMayday! We are sinkingβ
Coastguard: βWhat happened?β
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: βIcebergβ
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Every relationship needs boundariesβ¦
β¦.mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
After hitting that pothole I can see springβs in the airβ¦along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
βIs this a date? This feels like a date.β
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Just ruined my dadβs night by texting pics of a bird he canβt positively ID
You know youβre from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
What if deer stare at our headlights because theyβre trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
If you havenβt manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, youβre missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Inside you there are two wolves
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: βThis isnβt deodorant.β
Select the reason for canceling your order:
β½οΈItem(s) would not arrive on time
β½οΈNeed to change shipping address
βοΈ I was drunk
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
There are days & nights where Iβm surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: Theyβre Batcakes Alfred. Say βBatcakes!β