Iβm dead πππππ
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You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Flight attendant: Youβre sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Have a teen so when sheβs five minutes late for Cross Country practice, itβs your fault for driving the βlong way.β Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: Itβs pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Not to brag, but Panera said Iβm worth a treat so itβs good to know Iβd go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know Iβm definitely getting arrested.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Your call is very important to us, hereβs six days of irritating music.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled βGOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!β
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
do you guys realize thereβs a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.