I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
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Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Your secret is safeish with me
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
My dating profile:
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?