I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
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I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
“our sushi is very fresh”
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka