Iβm dead πππππ
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When Iβm guilted into going to a dinner party I didnβt want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder thatβll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
when youβre supposed to be in bed but the grown-upsβ dinner party is too loud
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Anarchy
Kids be like βI owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?β
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
ME: Iβd like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and Iβm still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight π
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I miss the days when my 2yo didnβt have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like βThatβs our special noise. I only make that noise for you.β
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.