I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
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a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.