I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
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My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁