I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
You Might Also Like
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?