I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
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I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.