I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
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My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.