I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Steam Forums
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book