I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
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The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE