Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

[first karate lesson]

Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!

Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?

Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.