“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Who’s your best friend?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.