Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

So, can we agree on 4 or

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no