Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

fired

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

“I’m soooo tired!”

[lays down in bed]

“I’m soooo comfortable!”

Bladder: Sup bro

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…

Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

Friend: *checking bag* one bag

Airline: why is it so heavy

Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂