I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
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Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
My birthstone is a marshmallow
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink