I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.