Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

🙄

5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?

Me: 22.

Wife: How many with witnesses?

Me: Almost 1.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

Based Erika

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler