Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’

Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’

911: *click

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that