I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
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There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
What do you hear?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.