I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
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Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars