I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
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“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again