I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
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Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Smile they said.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog