I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
You Might Also Like
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I unironically love this joke.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
This checks out
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car