I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
You Might Also Like
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people