I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
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FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Stonehinge
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
The best shot in the history of golf
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.