I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
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Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I hate when that happens.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”