I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
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Woke up with morning Yule Log
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My background check bounced.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Please vote for people who are attractive
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”