Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

RT if you could go either way.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

He wanted to make sure😂

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us