Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

The internet is magic sometimes.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean

If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.

How?

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.