Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.