Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911