Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND