I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
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[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew