Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

Taking phone security to the next level.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.