I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
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He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”