Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

Whoa 😂

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband