I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
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“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD