Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.