I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
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*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?