Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’