Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.