Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Mission: Impossible

ㅤ

Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this

Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”