Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

Tide Pods need a little seasoning?

Sprinkle some bath salts on top.

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.