I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
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Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses