I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
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my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos