I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
You Might Also Like
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Important reminders
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.