I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
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superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here