I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
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When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Whisper out to librarians!
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Try and stop me.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.