Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can