Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.