I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
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Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
😂😂😂
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN