Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!