Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Wise advice

Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

Haha! 😂

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor