Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

You wish you had this many chins.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?

Bars, they’re called bars

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.