Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.