“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
