“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
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when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I am also baked goods