“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
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When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
getting old is fun
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*