I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
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My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
a New Yorker reject, for you
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away