I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
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If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.