@HollyHeals

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

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@MorticiaKate

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

@ZachWeiner

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

@david8hughes

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

@bobvulfov

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

@LindaInDisguise

Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?

Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.

13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

@gengen874

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

@FredTaming

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

@CrockettForReal

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

@Hobo_Splendido

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

@Playing_Dad

Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: I didn’t know there was going to be a test at the end.