My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
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ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat