I’m doing my own taxes so I’ll probably be in jail this time next year.

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Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off


Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too


A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.


[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”


Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy


{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better


I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.


GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned



Your internet girlfriend is getting yelled at by his wife right now.


Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”