Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.