Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life