I’m doing the lords work (judging)
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Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black