I’m doing the lords work (judging)
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“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Self-cleaning conscience
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
*ernest hemingway voice*
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.