Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.