I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I don’t believe him.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.