I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
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Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy