I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
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My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
(Gaming support cat.)
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro