I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
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Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it