I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
You Might Also Like
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
just having fun
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.