Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.

What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.