Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

Pretty much! 😂👀

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.