I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
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I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Breaking news:
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches