Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

I like donuts.

Twitter:

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

I fucking love Gary Larson so much