Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time