I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
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Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
But is it really??
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down