I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
🤭😂
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!