I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
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*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
One venti cheeseburger please.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
What a year we’ve had this week.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no